Game Of Risk Enters Fourth Week
NAPERVILLE, IL — Sources confirmed on Wednesday that a local game group's night of playing classic RISK had now entered its fourth week.
Artificial intelligence, natural stupidity.
Yes, it's AI slop. The links aren't.
$ tail -f ai/news ai/fails ai/incidents ai/memes ai/bubble — live, link-only, sourced, picked by formula.
# nobody read the terms; the model summarised them wrong
Labeled satire because of where it comes from, not because anyone read it.
9 Great Ways To Teach Kids About The Gospel
Everyone needs to hear the Gospel, even kids. But it's sometimes hard to get them to pay attention when you're trying to talk Bible.
BUZZER BEATER! Angels Erupt In Cheers As Man Accepts Christ With Just 0.4 Seconds Left On Clock
HEAVEN — In an unbelievable turn of events, a man on his deathbed professed belief in Jesus Christ and secured his Heavenly reward with just 0.4 seconds left on his life clock.
U.S. Space Weapon Revealed To Be Little Triangle That Shoots Bullets Out The Front
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, the on-orbit space control weapon revealed on Monday by U.S. military officials was apparently a little triangle that shoots bullets out the front.
Judge Judy Retires
Judge Judith Sheindlin, better known as Judge Judy, announced that she will step down from the bench after 30 years on TV, opting to pass the baton on to her son. What do you think? The post Judge Judy Retires appeared f…
Hawaiian Newlyweds Head Off To Luxurious Honeymoon In Iowa
DES MOINES, IA — Expressing a desire to escape the monotonous, hum-drum tropical paradise of Oahu, local newlyweds Kai and Leilani Kalani landed at Des Moines International Airport on Monday to begin their seven-day luxu…
Christian Misses Good Old Days When All The Obscene Smut Out There Was Heterosexual
SAN ANGELO, TX — During a recent prayer group meeting at New Covenant Church, local man Steve Farmer expressed longing for the good old days when all the obscene smut out in the world was heterosexual.
Congress Passes $430,000/Hour Minimum Wage For Billionaires
The post Congress Passes $430,000/Hour Minimum Wage For Billionaires appeared first on The Onion .
Man Knows He's Finally Made It After Getting 2nd Fridge Just For Drinks In The Garage
RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA — Local man Jim Crest leaned his back against the wall and marveled at the second fridge in his garage, realizing for the first time that he had finally made it in life.
It Is Unlawful For You To Refuse This Legal Tender, No Matter How Wet It Is
As a proud, hardworking American, I demand a certain amount of respect. I had hoped to spend part of my morning patronizing this small, locally owned café with the purchase of a coffee and pastry. But instead, I have bee…
Hole
The anxieties of the surface world are unceasing. Leave them behind and retreat into a subterranean existence. Dimensions unknown. Reference #547834 The post Hole appeared first on The Onion .
Emily Sadori and Caroline Fry
The couple finally said “I do” after several months of saying “Why the fuck are we doing this if we can’t even agree on a cake?” The post Emily Sadori and Caroline Fry appeared first on The Onion .
Dalai Lama Announces One-Year Residency Inside Body of Bruno Mars
DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—Touting it as an exciting limited engagement that would precede his next official reincarnation, His Holiness the Dalai Lama announced Wednesday that after his death he would participate in a one-year …
How to do nitrous while driving your Lamborghini Urus down the M3, but safely. By Raheem Sterling
HEY kids. I’m a role model to you, and I admit I f**ked up. So don’t be like me. When you’re gunning your Lambo down the motorway on laughing gas, do it safely.
Britain in no place to sneer at village’s stupid separatist referendum
THOSE mocking the idiotic Piddington referendum that will achieve nothing have been reminded this is a bit rich coming from Britain.
Nobody gives a f**k about the f**king support act
NOBODY ever has or ever will give even half a f**k about the support act no matter who they are, gig-goers have reassured Ed Sheeran.
Not fancying you, and other annoying habits of middle-class student girls
STARTING at university? You will meet so, so many middle-class girls, usually studying psychology, that you fancy. But they will also have these infuriating traits.
10 Ways To Entertain Your Toddler
Raising a toddler can be a challenge, but entertaining your toddler can be even more difficult. It's not uncommon for parents to run out of ideas for ways to keep kids busy. The Babylon Bee is here to help.
Mitch McConnell Returns To Senate As Force Ghost
WASHINGTON, D.C. — One of the mainstays of America's legislative branch was once again seen roaming the corridors of the U.S. Capitol building, as Mitch McConnell returned to the Senate as a Force ghost.
Savannah Bananas Manager Chews Out Player For Not Goofing Around
SAVANNAH, GA — Fans at Sunday's Savannah Bananas game at historic Grayson Stadium were shocked to see an element of seriousness infiltrate their beloved sport, as Manager Tyler Gilum publicly chewed out one of his player…
Sydney Sweeney Tries To Gain Support Of Liberal Women By Murdering Multiple Children
LOS ANGELES, CA — Scandal struck Hollywood this week, as actress and businesswoman Sydney Sweeney attempted to gain support among liberal women by murdering multiple children.
Horrified Guests Begin Gagging As Dinner Host Reveals They’ve Been Eating USDA Beef
RICHMOND, VA—Feeling the half-chewed contents of their stomachs roil as they retched into their napkins, guests at a local dinner party began gagging Tuesday as their host revealed that they had been eating USDA beef. “I…
Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail
A blind man in the U.K. who drove his wife’s car 150 miles while drunk avoided prison time, despite not even having a license. What do you think? The post Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail appeared first on…
Study: Majority Of Christians Will Replace Holy Spirit With ChatGPT By 2028
U.S. — According to a new study conducted by the Barna Group, a majority of Christians were likely to replace the Holy Spirit with ChatGPT by the year 2028.
Supreme Court Rules Securing Elections Unconstitutional
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark decision just weeks before people head to the polls to vote in the midterms, the United States Supreme Court ruled that securing elections was unconstitutional.
Apostle Paul Hoping No One Notices The Armor Of God Does Not Include Pants
ROME — The Apostle Paul reportedly expressed anxiety that believers might scrutinize the details of his epistle to the Ephesians and notice that the Armor of God does not include pants.
Trump Promises To Bring Back $5 Footlongs If Republicans Win
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In his latest attempt to entice voters to turn out for the November midterm elections, President Donald Trump announced on Tuesday that he was promising to bring back $5 footlongs if Republicans retain…
Jason Momoa Wakes Up Tied To Chair In Empty Warehouse With ‘Candy Crush Saga’ Movie Script
LOS ANGELES—Regaining consciousness just as a masked captor slapped him across the face with the script, actor Jason Momoa reportedly woke up Tuesday tied to a chair in an empty warehouse facing the screenplay for a Cand…
NFL Veterans Offer Advice To This Year’s Rookie Class
The post NFL Veterans Offer Advice To This Year’s Rookie Class appeared first on The Onion .
Katherine Lee
The family of Katherine Lee, 35, asks that in lieu of flowers, mourners send any guesses about what her passwords might be. The post Katherine Lee appeared first on The Onion .
Virtuoso Grasshopper Absolutely Wailing On Leg
The post Virtuoso Grasshopper Absolutely Wailing On Leg appeared first on The Onion .
Freshers drinking to forget they’re already 20 grand in debt
STUDENTS newly arriving at university have hit the bars to drink away their fears about already owing tens of thousands of pounds.
How I’ll function as the ultimate AI guardrail, by President Trump
AI. Everyone wants it but America has it, and they also have the best safety system in existence to make sure it can never harm anyone: me. This is how I do it.
Man who was outcast as teenager feels he’d fit right in as Gen Z
A 42-YEAR-OLD who was a pariah in youth for not drinking, not having sex, being right-wing and having a mullet is gratified to see those things become cool.
Our self-obsessed gripes about townies, by country folk
THE Countryside Alliance has called for the government to stop ‘waging war on the countryside’. Here they explain this secret war they never stop whining about.
We asked ChatGPT if AI was dangerous, and it says it’s fine
THERE are all kinds of rumours going around about AI. That it’s dangerous. That it regularly breaks its own guardrails. That it could ‘wipe out humanity’.
Goth girlfriend miserable in practice
A MAN has discovered his hot sexy Goth mommy girlfriend is actually morose and melancholic and hard work to be around.
‘We will shakily livestream them on the beaches’: Churchill, as understood by Danny Tommo
WINSTON Churchill is an uncomplicated hero to Patriot Platform founder Danny Tommo and his balaclava-wearing followers. These are the five quotes he lives by.
Six social events guaranteed to make your partner fake an illness
EVERYONE loves a get-together they organised, full of their mates. Everyone except the partner they’re dragging along who develops a terrible cough the night before.
We ask you: What occasion will you wear Princess Diana’s revenge dress for?
THE late Princess Diana’s famous revenge dress is up for sale, competitively starting at less than the average British house. Where are you wearing it?
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